Yep, it just seems like yesterday when we left Northumbria University’s MA in Creative Writing and decided to set Tonto up.

Rather than reflecting on all the ups and downs (there’s way too many to list), it’s easier to celebrate with a nice update and offery type things.

2010 titles:

The Road To Hell by Sheila Quigley: The paperback version was released in June.

Disrepute: Revie’s England by Robert Endeacott: The follow-up to the acclaimed ‘Dirty Leeds’ was released in June (3rd edition of Dirty Leeds now in print).

EMTSS: Released in August and will be officially launched on 22 November at The Lit & Phil in Newcastle at 7pm. Author readings TBC.

We Are Not Manslaughterers by Martin Knight: Amazing true story of rioting, murder and cover-up released in September.

Him Off The Viz by Simon Donald: Autobiography of Viz co-creator released in October.

The Change Agent by Andrew Crofts: The story of technology guru and thinker, James Martin.

Mr Music Man by Mervyn Conn with Andrew Crofts: The story of music promoter and country music hero, Mervyn Conn.

Look out for offers on all books next week to make the Tonto Books Five Years Of Madness celebration.

We’re currently promoting Him Off The Viz with a tour, following the successful launch on 6 October at Waterstone’s in Newcastle. We’ve got a launch in Liverpool on Friday 22 at Waterstone’s Bold Street and a London launch at Waterstone’s Piccadilly on 29 Nov.

I’ll get round to updating the events page.

Martin Knight will be at Epsom Waterstone’s tomorrow signing copies of his book from 1pm.

Mervyn Conn will be launching and signing his book in London, dates TBC.

Big thanks go to Geoff and Dennis at Star Book Sales and Martyn and Mary at Orca Distribution for doing their thing, Dene Conway for keeping the website in order, Jill Morris for being a top editor, all Tonto authors for being authors in the first place and going with us … and everyone who has supported, reported, reviewed, interviewed (steady on, that could be classed as poetry), mentioned, helped, bought, sold and read.

 I was just playing ‘The Meat Game’ the other morning. It isn’t rude, I assure you.

You dunno what The Meat Game is? You have to think of place names that have a genre of meat in it or could easily be. It was devised during an eight hour road trip last year:

Liverpool

Hampshire

Turkey

‘Uddersfield

Edinburger

Newcattle

… and of course, as the game came to an end and work had to resume, an email came in from a friendly face from Edinburger, asking ‘wot no blog posts?’

It’s been a while. Thanks for the emails.

I hope all four of the readers are keeping well.

Apart from that … did anyone see that publisher first up on ‘Dragons’ Den’ last night? Ouch.

It has been a bit hectic here at Chateau Tonto for a while. In production and due for release this year is ‘We Are Not Manslaughterers’ by Martin Knight on 9 Sep, ‘Him Off The Viz’ by Simon Donald on 7 Oct, ‘The Change Agent’ by Andrew Crofts on 21 Oct and ‘Mr Music Man’ by Mervyn Conn on 28 Oct.

‘Shakespeare & Love’ by Mike Kelly (the story of the stolen Shakespeare First Folio) is to be delayed slightly because of the addition of new and unseen material to the book. Those of you who saw the documentary on BBC1 recently will have a good understanding of the story … and all will be revealed in the book. Raymond was recently sentenced to 8 years in prison for handling the stolen folio and, although the sentence seems a bit harsh, Raymond is in good spirits and is waiting for security clearance so he can get a job in the prison. And of course, the job is in the prison library! Let’s hope he orders a few hundred copies of his book when it’s out.

There were a few more titles that have been moved to the 2011 list. ‘Tis a shame to have to do that, but it means that Tonto has the basis for a strong list of titles for next year and it means a longer lead time for sales and promotion too. It’s never easy trying to bring a load of books out when times are tough and there’s just one member of staff and a cat.

‘Him Off The Viz’ by Simon Donald is attracting a lot of attention and we’ve got a fair few gigs lined up from pub date through to Christmas. I’ll list them all on here when I get some more time. I’m looking forward to going out on tour with Simon. We’re doing signings as well as author events where he’ll be using a powerpoint projection to do a talk on Viz and bring in stories from the book. One of his events in Newcastle is called ‘Fart Jokes Bought Me Sports Cars’.

Those of you who are included in EMTSS … thanks for your patience with regards to the author copies being delayed. They are being despatched by the printer in the next few days and will be sent out as soon as they arrive. Amazon are (eventually) fulfilling orders and it’s also available on the Tonto site. Good old Amazon!

Robert ‘Disrepute’ Endeacott has had a few gigs recently too. He’s now a familiar voice on the wireless (always had a face for radio, etc, etc) and can be seen and heard talking about ‘Disrepute: Revie’s England’ at an event with Anthony Clavane and David Peace on 7 September at Waterstone’s in Leeds. It’ll be a brill night … and the visit to the pub after will be even brillerer (although ‘This is England ’86′ starts at 10pm that night, so it’s a close call). Don’t forget you can order the double pack of Disrepute and Dirty Leeds here.

Will see if I can post something else up some time soon. If not, Merry Christmas!

We had a great time in Dirty Leeds last night, launching ‘Disrepute: Revie’s England’. Thanks to Iain at the Northern Monkey and Waterstone’s for all their support for the event.

Robert is signing books at Waterstone’s Leeds on Saturday, 12-2pm and will be on Calendar news (not the Crimestoppers section) on Wednesday 16 promoting the book. Then at Waterstone’s York on 17 for an author event starting at 7pm, signing at Sheffield Orchard Square Waterstone’s on 19 from 12-2 and Bradford Waterstone’s 12-2 on 26 June.

Following on a bit from yesterday’s post, with the mention of a Manuscript Critique service, I read this feature this morning: The Rejection Letter of the Future Will Be Silence (And Why This is a Good Thing).

I agree with Nathan on a few points: rejection letters are a horrible thing to have to send out. I’ve mentioned it a few times on here. It’s usually not about the writing (‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ Ziggy, BB8), it’s usually that the genre doesn’t fit the publisher. There are a few of the rude and silly ones where it’s difficult to tell if the writer is serious, but those don’t come in all the time. I’ve had a few recently that would fit in the ‘misery memoir’ genre and, as it’s not something I’m looking to publish, find it difficult composing a rejection letter. If someone has poured their ‘daily struggle’ onto paper it never seems right that it has to then be knocked back because it isn’t commercially viable. But that’s what has to happen.

Recently I’ve had a few submissions from people who have already self-published, vanity published, etc, etc and are looking to be re-published and repackaged by a real publisher. A big mistake a lot of writers make is that they can do it themselves. This could be true for many elements of the process, but can one person (probs a bit of a novice) do it all? I’m no expert myself – that’s why I bring freelance people in to do things I know I can’t. I also weigh up whether the things I know I can do myself are doable in the time I have. Eg, doing everything is never easy. If I’m designing a book cover, am I using up X number of hours, costing £X when a freelance designer could do it quicker and for less or around the same price?

* Needed to add here: And better. A big thing about trying to do everything yourself, and to quote Dirty Harry, is that you’ve got to know your limitations. Why bother arsing around for a week on something you know is at best going to look like something a child produced at school? Eg – look at all the other self-published books out there – Shirley you can see how bad the majority of them are.

*Back to original post …

Or any other aspect of the process? It’s an expensive business to be in and most of your running costs are all upfront payments before – or if – you see any profit. This is another ‘mistake’ in self-publishing: ‘What do they know? I’ll do it myself. I’ll show them! I’ll be the next JK Brown.’

And then when it looks expensive, you cut corners. Everyone does. How many self-published / vanity published books have you picked up with good covers that sell the product? Time spent on getting the blurb right? Testimonials from known writers? How many have been typeset nicely, how many are copy-edited and proof-read by a professional … and how many are commercially viable in the first place? But you do all that, print them up, get bits of it wrong, and then you find you have to sell them. Worse still, you find you should have been selling them six months before receiving them from the printer / vanity publisher. Oops. And what about amazon? Why doesn’t it appear there magically, why don’t Waterstone’s stock it? Why is the publisher asking me to edit and proof my own book? Why did I put all my savings into this?

Last year I received a call from a writer asking me how much Tonto charges for publishing books. It’s mental. He told me how many thousands other publishers were charging. But people pay. It’s an alternative route to seeing your work in print. Even the Writers’ & Artists’ Yearbook has adverts for vanity publishers in it.

E-books, i-pads, i-phones, apps, Kindle, and every other technological breakthrough in the last year is suggesting it can all be done electronically and we’ll no longer be reading traditional books in the future anyway.

How do you escape the rejection letter?

There are a million ways. All are obvious:

Find the right publisher. Even get a name for who you are sending it to. Ask if they are looking at submissions and if you can send your synopsis, etc.

Then – make sure it is right. Is it worth getting opinions from industry professionals in advance of this? Absolutely! If you want a pat on the back, let your friends read it. If you know someone who will give you an unbiased opinion – go for it. If they’ll do it for nowt, even better. Of course, everyone is in it for the money … no one works for free and professional time usually costs. There are regional writing agencies that may offer free advice or could pay costs for you. NWN paid for a manuscript critique for me once and I’d imagine similar places still offer such help.

And remember – even if you’ve done everything right, it still needs to get read by the right person or you’re still knackerd. Publishing is all based on a hunch and hunches aren’t always right. I can’t stand books about vampires and sea monsters, zombies and androids, but look at how they are selling. Someone somewhere decided the time was right for them. There was a piece in The Times the other week about a bloke who self-published Shakespeare’s works into ‘chav speak’ and sold 10,000. Does this mean that we have to abandon our high art ideas and look at selling a concept? I think we do. And I’ll stop here while it’s bordering on the positive end and before I start rambling on about John Blake.

The World Cup started an hour ago. Go get drunk and worry about writing on Monday.

This time tomorrow night I’ll be at Subway on the Headrow in Leeds necking a ham and turkey melt to line my stomach for a night of heavy drinking. I mean … I’ll be making final preparations at the Northern Monkey bar for the book launch.

Robert Endeacott’s ‘Disrepute: Revie’s England’ will be launched there from 7pm … perfectly timed for the eve of the World Cup thingy. It’s a ticket only do, so none of the plebs can get in, but we’ll be posting up photos and seeing if we can get it in the Bookseller mag. Not sure we’ll get it in (‘We’re not from London, you know!’) … always worth a stab though. There’s some Leeds United players coming along, local press and Sky TV will hopefully be there too.

The book is available on the website on a ‘World Cup Price’ – whatever that means. Basically a reduced price to celebrate the release and keep it reduced over the course of the WC. There’s also a ‘Special Offer’ section been added with a ‘Dirty Leeds’ and ‘Disrepute’ offer, as well as posters on sale to help support a Don Revie statue appeal.

Sheila Quigley’s paperback is officially out on 17 June. It is also on spesh on the website at the moment and pre-orders are doing well on H-amazon. Look out for reviews and stuff coming soon.

Robert was in the newsrecently and will be on t’wireless on BBC Radio Leeds at 9.15am.

All website orders are going out tomorrow for both books.

Oh, and look out for another new section: Manuscript Critique. Two scary words to writers and probably just as scary as the usual two. To sing the praises of the service a bit, your manuscript will be read by an experienced editor and publisher and constructive criticism and advice offered. Manuscripts can be any word count and any genre other than stuff for kids or poetry.

A quick message about some forthcoming Tonto books:

‘Disrepute: Revie’s England’ is available on a special price promotion on the website. You can pre-order for £5.99 with free postage. Release date is 10 June, rrp £7.99 plus postage.

‘The Road To Hell’ paperback is now in stock and available on special price promotion too. Pre-order price is £4.99 with free postage. And as if that wasn’t enough, if you haven’t got the hardback version, you can buy on the website with a massive £10 OFF rrp (while stocks last). Not many left, so when they’re gone, that’s it.

Look out for signings to be confirmed for both authors.

We use subtext all the time without even knowing it, so why don’t we use it in our work properly? Why not put it to good use and turn our dialogue into multi-layered works of genius?

I remember the days when I used to watch Eastenders. Middle-finger-sucking Dirty Den was probably still in it. You’d always get a closing scene with two people ‘making up’ and one of them say something like, ‘Course I luv you, innit. You’re family.’ And then they’d smile, hug and the one who delivered the line’s face would be in frame and the smile would switch to ‘stoney face’. Subtext … No, I don’t love you. I hate you. I’m saying I love you but the real meaning of what I’ve just said has been revealed by my expression to the camera … those watching it know, but you don’t. Just to reiterate, I hate you.

I haven’t seen Eastenders since my bezzy mate’s missus was in it around 10 years ago, but I’m sure that example still goes on all the time.

Subtext is the meaning behind the text – saying something without saying it …

An unfaithful girlfriend talking to a new acquaintance and dropping in that she attends parties alone, cooks TV dinners for one and has nothing much to do on a weekend is giving signals away and is letting him know she’s available without actually saying it. Add to that some non-verbal communication, a bit of playing with hair as she talks and the scene is starting to develop. And there can be twists … does her boyfriend turn up and how does she introduce him? Does it turn out that the boyfriend and the new acquaintance already know each other and he enters the scene with ‘You’ve met my girlfriend, then.’

A hitman talking to his soon-to-be victim about what happened to his last one gives scope for subtext. Telling about how they screamed, delivering the dialogue while examining the detail of the gun, maybe saying the last victim offered money (to see if this one will) … or have a hitwoman and play with the gender role and expectations too. Threats are always more menacing when implied rather than ‘I’m going to poke you in the eye because I’m not a nice person.’

Not that these are the best h-examples in the world and have been done to death, but just to get the idea across. Remember – it’s all about drama and conflict, obstacles and overcoming them.

Man: ‘Oh, Christ. Chicken. Chicken again. We just had chicken.’

Woman: ‘I thought you liked chicken.’

Man: ‘I’m not that arsed about chicken anymore.’

But they sit down and start to eat their lovely meal …

Woman: ‘How is it then?’

Man: ‘Well …’

Woman: ‘Yes?’

Man: ‘A bit bland, really. A bit dry.’

Woman: ‘Maybe I could add some spices to it or something next time.’

Man: ‘Whatever. Is there owt on telly tonight?’

You get the drift.

Last rant of the week. Honest. x

We Didn\’t Burn Him!

Coming from a moving image background, I always use film and TV as examples of storytelling simply because that’s how my head works. I see novels and stories playing out as I read them … and Shirley that’s the intention of the writer as well, whatever their name is. When I write, I like to cast my characters. As mentioned in my earlier rant, if your characters cannot deliver their lines properly or they turn round and tell you their character wouldn’t say that, it may be time to rethink those lines – give them better dialogue to play with, cos if your characters are revolting, then so is your novel (b-boom … ching!).

Like so many other actors, if yours ask what their motivation is for this scene, could it be that there’s nothing driving it and the narrative forward? If so – take a look at it. What’s the purpose of the scene and the dialogue within it? Who are the characters and what do they represent? Whack some metaphor and subtext in there and give it a kick in the pants. Is the entire scene believable? Does it move the story on? If it moves it on – that’s a take – head over to the next scene. Remember that you’re in control of it, you’re directing the piece and you call the shots.

Do you read your own words out? I remember a brill doco about Bruce Robinson and how he wrote ‘Withnail’ – all with loads of red wine and a good voice. He slurred his way through the script and, to me, it was more like method writing. He knew the dialogue worked because he was acting it as he went. Fair enough, he may not have remembered that much of it by the end of the day, but it worked for him. Find out what works for you and go with it. Of course you’ll feel a right dufus at first, but soon you’ll be sat there like Billy Shakespeare laughing at your own jokes and telling the cat how brilliant you are, slurring your way through three bottles of red and staggering around in your pyjamas half an hour before your other half gets in to look as though you did some housework before collapsing on the settee as Emmerdale starts. We’ve all been there.

I was talking to a writer recently and she said she writes everything without a plan … it all just comes out. ‘You don’t plan any of the plot or dialogue?’ I asked.

Shirley not, I thought. And she wasn’t even called Shirley either.

I’ve pondered this one so many times from different perspectives. As a writer I find it impossible to write anything without planning it first. Would I go on a journey without looking at a map first? Well I probably would, but I’d still set the SatNav before driving off. As a tutor, I always go into ways of writing – some people can write without a plan, others can’t. I always encourage having a plan. As a publisher I struggle to understand how anyone can write without a plan. All this can be explained by any writer if they tell you they know their characters, story, what each would say and it’s all stored in their head.

What do you have to refer to though? If your brain is anything like mine, it’ll be reworking the story all the time. Can you check through your memory and read through a previous version of a dialogue exchange you had in mind for your characters? Not that well – and definitely not if you’re me - but you can if it’s saved in a file on your computer. You are taking a bunch of people on a journey and you owe it to them to plan it so you all don’t get lost along the way. It’s a generalisation, I know. It’s always a case of finding a balance: if you can write like a maniac all day without a plan and it all works and you don’t get stuck … then great. If you plan it all and stick to it and it guides you along to the end … then also great. Writers who just spew it all out will argue that you cannot plan creativity, Mike Leigh gets funding for films without a script, one of my favourite actors couldn’t care less about his character backstory and is only interested in the words on the page. Whatever works.

I’m reading ‘Hollywood Animal’ by Joe Eszterhas at the moment. Joe is the genius writer of Basic Instinct and Showgirls, the most infamous screenwriter in Hollywood. His story is such a mad journey and, although he’s a bit of a maverick who enjoyed the seedier side of the industry (is there one? Please tell me there’s one), his life story is very h-interesting, indeed:

Evans, the producer of Sliver, liked my Sliver script so much that he sent a voluptuous redhead wearing only a mink coat over to my hotel. She pulled a note out of a certain intimate body part.

“Best first draft I’ve ever read,” the note said. “Love, Evans.”

I might turn up on Mr Endeacott’s doorstep one day wearing only my parka and Clarks Originals just to scare him into meeting his next deadline on time.

 At chateau Tonto this week we’re putting the finishing touches to Rob Endeacott’s next best-seller and ‘The Road To Hell’ paperback is in print with a snazzy new cover. We’ve also got a final design for ‘We Are Not Manslaughterers’ by Martin Knight and roughs for ‘The Fifth Pillar’ and ‘The Change Agent’. I’ve added them to this post, but it seems to have squared them off to look like album covers. They’ll be up on the website soon.

Should we make it that far, then Disrepute: Revie’s England will be out on 12 June and The Road To Hell will be out on 17 June. As usual, if Amazon has any other dates up, they are incorrect.

Anyone in the Liverpool area make sure to turn up to Tonto mate Caroline Smailes’ launch gig at Waterstone’s L1 tomorrow night. She’s got some book out about bees or something, but there’ll be free drink to make it worthwhile and probably cake.

Laters!

Good afternoon. Not been blogging that often as there’s quite a few projects in development at the moment.

We’ve added most of the 2010 frontlist to the website now, but still have a couple more covers to have finalised before going up. It’s never an easy job trying to do everything … sure we’ll get there in the end. We’ve also had to reschedule a couple of titles – for various reasons, but generally to get those with more pre-orders out than less commercial ones and avoid having to sell my record collection to fund them. Again, I’m sure we’ll get there in the end.

The past few weeks have been interesting. Robert Endeacott has been developing his latest novel DisRepute: Revie’s England. East Leeds Mag has just published his feature here. We’re currently setting up some signing sessions and the launch and will post details up as they are confirmed. I’m also working on a few other fiction projects until they go into the edit and have really enjoyed getting back into ‘the process’. As a writer, it’s so easy to get lost in your own work and sometimes you cannot see the faults that would perhaps get flagged up and go against you in publication decision-making.

The Guardian did a really helpful list for writers- definitely worth reading, and has wa link to part two at the top of the page. Roddy Doyle dishes out some sound words of wisdom in there. Makes me think about revisiting the novel I was developing during my MA … annoyingly five years on and completely out of date. Still, the thought was there and it was worth paying two and a half grand to become a Master of Arts. There’s a list of tips from Stephen King online somewhere. I used to use it when teaching Creative Writing – one of the most useful lists ever. Here’s a link on a writing blog.

I did a couple of online interviews last year where I was asked my top tip for writers. It’s mainly the usual one – write and don’t give up. Hang on, that’s two. You know what I mean.

What I’m working on at the moment – Dialogue: Listen to how people talk, read your work out – if it is clunky to ‘act’ then it is clunky for anyone to read. Don’t have huge chunks of dialogue, don’t repeat – make every word count. Do you say ‘Get your hands off my beer’ the same way if you repeat it in conversation? Of course not – so don’t write it as so. If you need to repeat something, firstly ask yourself if you REALLY need to, then secondly … deliver it differently. Does ‘No, no’ say anything more than ‘no’? If not, it shouldn’t be there. See De Niro in Goodfellas – I’m sure he says ‘What did I tell you?’ to a few people. It gets more and more menacing in the delivery.

Watch films – see how lines of dialogue are delivered. What makes them more interesting? What are the actors doing – acting, reacting? Who does the camera (narrator?) favour during the exchange? What is their posture, expression? If it’s someone like Brad Pitt, he’ll no doubt scratch the back of his head when he’s agitated – in everything – it’s a tick … give your characters some and bring your dialogue to life! Give them some props … these are the kind of things like the glass of water in The English Patient or Pacino’s bottle of beer early on in Carlito’s Way that sometimes become continuity mistakes. Does your character play with the label of a beer when talking, avoiding eye contact? Does he slam it down to emphasise a point? Props can work well in dialogue and can be useful in conveying subtext … and can also be used as a weapon, should the scene need a bit of violence.

Dialogue is difficult to master, but is one of the most enjoyable aspects about writing, in my opinion. Have fun with it. Think about what you are trying to say … use subtext and say it without saying it … say it in four words rather than ten … make it count. It’s a construction of reality – it isn’t reality. Don’t waste space with a million ummms and errrms.

And like, get writing …

The London Book Fair was as mental as ever. Not just because it is in London, but different this time round because when I first got there it was very subdued. It was my third year on the trot – I was expecting the usual bustle, queueing up for £3 cups of tea and getting knocked over by publishing execs with their suit cases: Nowt though. Not a sausage (although if you nip out of Earl’s Court 2, turn left, there’s an old-skool caff that does sausage baguettes for a squid. Red onions is 20p extra. We spotted it on year one).

So it was dead easy to find the stand. I got there for around 12pm on Monday to meet Andrew Crofts - prolific ghostwriter and all-round decent bloke. Tonto has just signed two of his books up and after having a good few conversations with him over the past year or so, it’s brill to be working with him on these and (hopefully) others in the future.

A quick handshake, a hello to the Star Sales team, a sit down, a swig of aqua (French for water, you know), and Ronnie Le Drew was on the blower (London-speak for telephone) to say he’d just arrived and was there ‘to introduce me to his little friend’ who was locked in a big silver flight case. The friend, of course, was Rainbow’s very own Zippy. We had to open the case up to prove that we weren’t tooled up and first glimpse of Zippy had the security guard lost for words … I was starting to see what this puppet, this icon, actually means to people.

The book, now titled When Ronnie Met Zippy was signed up knowing that Zippy would be a bit of a crowd-puller due to the nostalgia and his ‘iconic status’ but I’d never seen it firsthand. It was mad. Anyone who saw Zippy on the day was drawn to him … everyone wanted to meet him and get a photo. He’s a real celeb.

Of course, there is a lot more to Ronnie than just having a hand in Zippy’s career. We met with the writers Duncan Barrett and Nuala Calvi on Tuesday and had a brill catch-up meeting about how the book is progressing. All is going well and we are on schedule for the deadline.

I had a meeting with John Blake scheduled for Monday afternoon … but as I got to his stand I was told that he was stuck on his yacht in Turkey because of the volcanic ash. Well, of all the excuses to have for missing an appointment, that’s the best I’ve ever heard. ‘Oh, is he?’ I think I said. There’s nowt much you can say to that, other than laugh and see if they were being serious. Never mind, I’m sure we’ll catch up soon. Unless he can’t find the key to his castle door to get out. Or just can’t find the door cos his castle is so big. John is brill – a breath of fresh air to independent publishing. I saw Martin ‘We Are Not Manslaughterers’ Knight with John ‘Football Factory’ King but we only did a brief hello as the Zipster was in full swing.

Monday night was a splendid one with Andrew Crofts for Italian food and fine conversation. We even discussed politics at one point. It was soon steered back to book ideas and madness. A late finish, I still had to check into the hotel and carry Zippy all the way thuur in his case. Still, I got to take silly photos of him and stopped myself from taking him to the hotel bar. He’s worth five grand – not worth the risk.

Tuesday morning was spent taking Zippy back home to FreemantleMedia and rushing back for a meeting with my brilliant printers, CPI. I’m sending a few titles their way over the next few weeks so just had to catch-up and make sure all was well. I like CPI – dead helpful and gave me some freebies too. Then it was off to meet Mervyn Conn for a production meeting about his book. He brought some photos for it … ‘Here’s me with The Beatles, here’s me with Johnny Cash, here’s me in the White House …’ just reeling them off. He’s one of those people who has done everything in life, and just became a dad in his mid-seventies. Rock n Roll, eh? Or Country n Western.

On Weds we had a meeting with Edwin Hawkes who I’d just acquired The Fifth Pillar by Duncan Lyon from and am in the process of buying a few more titles. It was nice to meet up with Edwin – there is a misconception about … no, hang on … people just expect agents to be dragons. That’s the bottom line, really. Edwin is quite different to that and a joy to be working with. And he had sponsorship from Tunnocks Teacakes! You always know you can trust someone who offers you teacakes.

I didn’t see any celebs this year. In previous years I missed Gordon Brown delivering a speech yards from my stand and Chezza Blair but saw a Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall lookalikie, the real John Tickle from Big Brother and that woman whose name I can’t remember who Davey Beckhams had ‘relations’ with. The Bookseller mag and a photographer from LBF took some snaps of Zippy, but I haven’t seen anything in there yet. After it being such a slow start, one would have thought they’d like to report on something lively on day one. One would have been Pete Tong though.

I met a geezer (London-speak for blokey) called Hamish on Monday too. I think he was from Scotland – introduced himself and said hello. Nice to meet you, Hamish. Didn’t catch what company you are from though. And Mike Greaves, a FaceBook pal. Missed Sheila Q, met Brigid ‘The Great Leap Forward’ Coady and a few publishers from Newcastle – Ed from Myrmidon, Martin from Zymurgy and Will from Flambard. All at different times. It was a shame not to have done one of our daft nights out, but I’m sure it’ll happen again. In this mental financial climate, it’s nice just to see them and see that they are still active. Martin was even wearing a suit. Things must be looking up!

Nice place, that there London. Nice to be home though. Gawd bless ya, me old china.