Couldn’t resist nicking that line as the title to this blog.

I’ve ranted about how not to approach publishers too many times. Or not near enough, I’d probably argue (that’s one hell of a mood if I argue about ranting, isn’t it?)

There was an ace feature in the Bookseller recently, read all about it here. Basically, a few lit agents in the US of A had been posting Twitter feeds with the worst openers to submissions. For example: “My book is about a friendship based upon mutual vomiting practices in high school”.

And there’s been a bit of author backlash about it being cruel. It doesn’t name and shame though and it would be great if everyone took it all with a pinch of salt, had a little chuckle, remembered their own embarrassing submissions/query letters and moved on.

A publisher friend of mine always says that publishing would be great if he didn’t have to deal with authors. Sometimes he’s serious, but he’d not be in business without them – same as the agents in the story.

It’s not easy being a dyslexic publisher. That’s why I tried to get out of the ‘writing game’. It always makes for some comedy moments though.

As I’ve struggled to and from sick bay recently, I’ve answered and sent a few emails here and there… nothing too stressful and nothing that can’t be helped along by a bit of chicken soup and Lucozade.

Two words that always seem to get past me are ‘consultant’ and ‘area’. I usually quadruple-check them, commission an editor and then spellcheck again before sending. Until t’other day:

A few email replies to distributor enquiries needed swift responses. Where is Ryton? It was in the north east – in the Newcastle area – if describing to Johnny Southerner. Not anymore. It’s now in the north east arse. I also once posted an arse on a true crime forum I watch regularly. Oh, the shame. I couldn’t go back for yonks.

I’ve also worked as a conslutant. My CV says so.

As posted the other day, 9987 e-books will be mailed out soon. Once I have the energy to switch on the other PC, they’ll be sent. One step at a time, eh?

Remember – SPELLCHECK!

What is it? Where does it come from? Why is it worse for us than it is for women?

I dunno. I’m just getting over a bout of it. My tale of woe started on Wednesday night at my true crime talk at Borders. By the time I got home I was about to phone for th’ambulance. It was touch ‘n’ go. Probably the worst case of ‘flu’ ever recorded.

Anywho. A weekend of doing as little as possible always helps. This is my way of saying that 9987 PDF mailouts will be happening later in the week when I’m properly out of sick bay.

Another night, another launch. Nik Jones rocked Gateshead with a Borders Team Valley 9987 event on 3 March. Sheila Quigley hosted the event – a joint ‘do’ for Nik and Sandra Rowell.

It was great to meet everyone there and was a splendid night for networking. Tomorrow, I’m back at Borders to talk true crime in the shape of notorious underworld bosses, the Krays.

Also coming this week, I’ll be posting up an interview with Caroline Smailes.

More news:

PDF e-book requests for 9987 will be sent out tomorrow.

Winner of the weekend giveaway was Ross in Liverpool. A copy of ‘More Tonto Short Stories’ is on its way to you. Ross wanted the book as he’d read the first one, had his story rejected for MTSS and hadn’t bought it out of ‘evil spite’. His grudge has passed now and he wants to make friends and develop more work for when Tonto runs another competition.

Thanks Ross… it’s always better to have friends than enemies. Feel free to review the book on amazon.

9987 – the Nik Jones debut novel will be launched/relaunched tomorrow night. Borders Team Valley is the place to be all this week from 6.30pm… make sure you get along to one of the events, even if it’s just to heckle us and drink all the wine.

Nik is also featured in the current edition of the Journal Culture mag on p38/39.

See you tomorrow!!

VOTING HAS ENDED…

9987 by Nik Jones is the winner!
The novel received the most votes and will be made available FOR FREE in pdf format throughout March. All you need to do is email me at Tonto with your request.

9987 will also be HALF PRICE THROUGHOUT MARCH! That’s right – HALF PRICE!!

All you need to do is email me with your order and I will send you a paypal invoice for the amount.

Each copy of 9987 will be priced at £3.99 with 99p postage, total price: £4.98. Bargain!

Other news:

Today sees the official announcement that I’ll be doing the Chicago Marathon in October this year. Yes, you read correctly and no, I’m not drunk.
In October, Tonto will be publishing the biography of Charlie Walduck, the UK’s record-breaking slimmer and an inspiration to millions around the world. Charlie lost over 30 stones in weight thanks to Dr Chris Steele and ‘This Morning’ show.

In an article published in today’s Sunday Sun, there is our call for sponsorship. Charlie and I will be running the marathon for charity, but in order to get there, we’re looking for corporate sponsorship. In exchange for this, companies will be offered advertising space on us as we run, mentions in all interviews – TV and print media – newspaper follow-ups, a mention in the book and in the documentary being shot to mark our progress.

Read all about it here.

Sign up to the newsletter on the Tonto website for more updates.

Not too long ago I put out a call for non-fiction writers on an arts site that was picked up by others and I got some great responses to it.

The basics: I want experienced non-fiction writers with a track record who I can assign work to or who have good ideas and manuscripts to bring to Tonto.

As the company moves into 2009 and beyond, I’m looking to build up a list of writers that can write to spec or pitch non-fiction ideas. As a writer myself, I know what it’s like to want an ongoing relationship with a trusted publisher, and that’s my intention. I’m now in touch with several writers and discussing some high-profile titles.

Of course, they don’t have to be high-profile… it always helps if you happened to live next door to Zac Efron when he was a wannabe child star and he signed an exclusive deal with you (in blood) that you can bring my way, but it isn’t the end of the world. If you have something with a clearly-defined audience and it looks like it would sell, then I’m interested. If you have it already written, then even better.

Again I’ve had more enquiries about fiction submissions. As you can see from the above, non-fiction is an ongoing window and fiction can’t always work that way. Fiction is difficult to sell, but not impossible. The new website will contain more for fiction writers than previously as this is a side to the company that I want to keep going. It is important to support new writing – that’s what we started doing, and that’s what should continue. Running fiction competitions and publishing anthologies is what Tonto was based on, but these were always funded projects. Tonto is not a regularly funded organisation like some others are, which is why I have to be very selective on titles, looking for the next big thing, looking for something I am certain of selling, always conscious of the credit crunch. And it happens that non-fiction sells more, so that’s mainly where the decision to commission comes from.

It is very likely that I’ll be publishing short stories on the new website and looking to offer exposure to writers (no, not in that way, Roz. Get yer mind outta the gutter) and hopefully try to build on this community we have. Any suggestions are always welcome. Submission windows will be on the new website and in newsletters and on the blog, so please stop hassling me – there’s only so much I can do. Unless any of you out there are rich investors…

Keep the faith!

Yep, it’s all go at Tonto.

The website is currently being redesigned and will be live and revamped in the next few weeks. I’ll be adding some extra features for writers and am planning to get a forum up and running too.

I was sent a couple of cover designs for the forthcoming Charlie Walduck biography cover last night. Elliot at Preamptive, who also designed inserts for Sin Cities and Paralympian is back on board and on top form as ever. I’ll post some up when I can get them to upload with the correct colours. You can pre-order the book here.

‘Shakespeare And Lust’ will soon be listed on Amazon etc for pre-order too. Watch this space.

Another book in development: Based on the popular blog ‘Flower Faires & Fairy Cakes’, Tonto signed Elsie Button up last year and is currently developing the book for release later in the year.

More news on all new titles will be posted as it happens.

Friday 20 Feb, 3pm – I’ll be talking about book n stuff on the Alfie Joey show, BBC Radio Newcastle. Steve Drayton and Alfie have supported Tonto from the very beginning, so it is always nice to get asked back.

Ashley Hames will be hosting an author event at Borders Charing Cross on the same day, 6.30pm. He’ll be swearing like a docker, so stay away if easily offended. But still buy the book.

Details of news signings and designs will hopefully be announced this week. As will the new website design.

Check us out on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=42707998340

Two accents I always attempt when saying ‘murder’:
Tough-talking American detective – ‘There’s been a miodah!’
Scots accent – ‘Thur’s been a murrdugh!’

And I’m terrible at both. However, Murder March at Borders will be anything but terrible as you can see from the impressive lineup on this rather splendid poster.

Click to see bigger voision.